North Pole Reform School Read online

  “Good morning, everyone,” the female one says way too cheerfully. “What a lovely day. It’s so nice to meet you all. I am Elf Tinsel, and this is my husband, Elf Navidad.”

  “Hello.” Elf Navidad waves enthusiastically. “Remember, there’s no point in closing the stable door if the horse is wearing spectacles.”

  “Welcome to North Pole Reform School. Now, I’m sure you’re all wondering what’s going on here, and we have come to tell you. If you’ll just… wait…” She consults a clipboard in her arms. “There’s one missing, Navi. Have any of you seen another one?”

  “Another one of what?” Luke asks.

  “One of you,” Tinsel says. She counts us with a pen. “Yes, there are only four. There are supposed to be five. Have any of you seen the other one?”

  We all shake our heads in bewilderment.

  “Go and see if you can rouse him would you, Navi dear?”

  Navidad walks over to one of the other doors and goes inside.

  “Now, the rest of you, we’ve brought some clothes for you to wear, and we’ll need you to put them on before we can get started, and—”

  Navidad comes back out. “Bit of a problem, Tinsel. He appears to think he’s dead.” He says it in what is supposed to be a whisper to his wife but we can all hear him.

  “You know we can hear you, right?” Luke asks.

  Navidad turns to him. “Then you won’t mind helping. Be a pal and go and convince the little boy in there that he isn’t dead.”

  Luke shrugs. “Maybe he is dead. Maybe we all are.”

  “You’re not dead,” Tinsel says. “None of you are dead. As I was trying to tell you, this is the North Pole Reform School. You’re in Santa’s Village at the North Pole, and you’re all here to learn a very important lesson. But we can’t start without everyone being here.”

  Joe lets out a laugh. “Yeah, right.”

  Luke rolls his eyes.

  “What, Elf Boy? Why’d you have ears like theirs? Why do you have elf ears? Something you want to tell us?” Joe questions Luke.

  “No, okay?” Luke frantically tries to smooth his hair over his ears again. “No, I have nothing to tell anyone. Nothing.”

  “I think you’re—” Joe starts.

  “Please don’t fight,” Tinsel interrupts. “I will explain everything just as soon as I sort the fifth student out. All stay here, please.”

  Tinsel walks over and goes into the room Navidad just came out of. We all go over to crowd around the door and look in. Even Duck Lady has got off the sofa and joined us.

  The small room looks the same as the one I woke up in. A small window on one wall, a couple of feet of space between that and the bed. In the corner of this room is a boy, cowering on the floor, the sheet from the bed wrapped around himself and clutched to his chest. Tinsel is crouched in front of him, talking gently. We hear her telling him he is safe and nothing bad will happen to him.

  He doesn’t look like he believes her.

  “Let me help,” Duck Lady says and pushes herself into the room with the boy and the elf.

  Even as I think it, I can’t believe I’m taking this seriously. Elves don’t exist. Santa and his village in the North Pole don’t exist. And yet here I am, watching an elf try to cajole a little boy into believing he isn’t dead.

  Luke is squashed in the doorway next to me and I can’t help but look up at him. He really does have the same ears as Tinsel and Navidad. He must sense me looking because he glances down and winks at me. I can’t help but smile back.

  Now Duck Lady is crouched in front of the boy too, and Tinsel seems to have taken a step back. Maybe Duck Lady has gone to tell him he’s being watched by ducks; no doubt that will make him feel better.

  “Don’t crowd around, please.” Tinsel comes over and starts to herd Joe, Luke, and me out of the doorway. “Go and wait on the sofas—we’ll be out in a minute.”

  She eventually pushes us back far enough that she can shut the door in our faces.

  “Well, that was rude,” Joe says. “I was only trying to help.”

  “No, you were all gawking,” Navidad says. “Not everyone copes as well as you apparently have. Never mind; if life gives you lemons, ask the fish for oranges instead.”

  “Yeah, well not everyone is sane,” says Luke.

  “So, be straight with us, little elf man.” Joe turns to Navidad. “What’s going on here? We in some kind of weird dream or mad scientist’s experiment or what?”

  “Nothing like that,” he says. “We’ll explain everything when Tinsel gets back with the boy.”

  “Okay, but where are we really?” I ask him. “I mean, I know we’re not in the North Pole, so where are we? Why have you two put so much effort into your elf costumes? We all know you’re not really elves, so why not just stick on a pair of pointy shoes and be done with it?”

  “Wrong on both counts,” he says. “We are in the North Pole and we really are elves.”

  “That’s impossible,” I say. “Elves don’t exist, and if we were in the North Pole then we would be dead by now. If the temperatures hadn’t killed us then the polar bears would have.”

  “We’ll explain everything in a minute,” Navidad says.

  “Hey, maybe you can tell me, little elf man,” Joe says to Navidad again, “what’s white and round?”

  Luke and I groan simultaneously.

  Navidad thinks it over. “A snowball.”

  “Wrong,” Joe says happily. “A red cube.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “Yeah, well not everyone is sane,” Luke repeats.

  The door opens and Tinsel comes out, closely followed by Duck Lady and the dead boy.

  She goes to stand next to Navidad again. “Now that we’re all here, the most important thing is to get dressed.”

  “The most important thing is for you to tell us what the hell is going on here,” Luke says.

  “All in good time,” she says. “Navi has arranged some clothes for you. These will be your outfits for the duration of your stay here. Please take them and go back to your rooms to change. Once you have your clothes on, come back out here and we’ll tell you everything.”

  “Why not just tell us now?”

  “It’s important for you to be dressed in your outfits first.”

  “That makes no sense.”

  “Not everything has to make sense at first glance,” Navidad says. “A picture is worth two camels on a roundabout.”

  Luke rolls his eyes.

  “Now, please come and take your outfits from Navi. The sooner you do so, the sooner we can answer all your questions.”

  Duck Lady goes up to take her outfit and the little boy follows.

  I glance at Luke and he smiles at me. “It can’t be any worse than thermal long johns, right?”

  We go and get our outfits too, and I go back to my room to change.

  Luke was wrong, though. It can be worse than thermal long johns, and it is. Much worse.

  They’ve given me an elf outfit.

  CHAPTER 4

  I lay it out on the bed and stare at it in horror. Pointy green shoes with a red pom-pom on the toe, thick red woollen tights with silver snowflakes all over them, a skirt made of a green velour material with a red trim, a matching green velour jumper with a red trim and silver buttons down the front, all topped off with a pointy green hat complete with jingle bells hanging from the tip like a bunch of grapes.

  I stick my head back out the door. “I’m not wearing this,” I tell the two elves who are still standing there.

  “Then your thermal underwear will be removed and you will be standing there naked,” Tinsel says happily. “Is that a better option?”

  “That’s ridiculous,” I protest.

  “Take it or leave it.”

  “You can’t take my clothes. You’re three foot tall and I know some self-defence.”

  Tinsel smiles as she pulls what looks like a candy cane out of her pocket and waves it in my direction.
I see a burst of glitter explode from it, and then I shriek as I realise I’m now standing in my bra with no shirt.

  “The bra goes next,” she says. “Then the trousers. It’s naked or the elf outfit, your choice.”

  “How the hell did you do that?”

  She taps her nose with the candy-cane. I suppose it must be a magic wand of some kind.

  “Arrrgh,” I say to no one in particular as I go back inside my room. I shove myself into the elf costume angrily. It doesn’t look like there’s going to be much choice in wearing the stupid thing.

  When I emerge again, everyone else is already waiting. I’m pleased to say they all look as ridiculous as I do. Duck Lady is wearing exactly the same as me, and the only difference for the three boys is they have trousers instead of skirts.

  Luke wolf-whistles when he sees me and I wish I had something to throw at him.

  “Now, could you please tell us what’s going on?” Joe asks the elves. “Why are we all dressed like numpties?”

  “Everyone sit on the sofas,” Navidad says. “I have to do a roll call first.”

  Joe, Duck Lady, and Dead Boy are all sitting down already. I go over and sit down, and I’m surprised when Luke comes to sit next to me.

  I like him. Particularly out of all this lot, he seems like the most normal.

  “Now then,” Navidad says. “Hugo Cassidy?”

  “Here,” Dead Boy says. I suppose I should start calling him Hugo now I know his name.

  “Joe Harrison?”

  “What’s this all about?” Joe says in response.

  “I’ll take that as a yes,” Navidad says. “Emily Lutz?”

  “That’s me,” Duck Lady says.

  I wonder why she couldn’t have said that earlier instead of all the nonsensical rambling about ducks.

  Navidad turns to where Luke and I are sitting.

  “Mistletoe Bell?”

  I blush from my head to my toes. I’d forgotten that roll call would mean mention of my real name. “It’s Misty,” I tell him through my embarrassment.

  “Mistletoe—no way.” Luke hoots. “Is that seriously your name?”

  “We’re required to call you by your full name, Mistletoe,” Navidad says.

  “Why do people keep saying that?” I groan.

  “Luke Wyatt?” Navidad moves on.

  “Here,” Luke says with a smirk.

  “Wait, Luke Wyatt?” Tinsel suddenly looks up.

  “That’s me.” Luke grins.

  “Luke Wyatt, from Elf Ian Wyatt’s bloodline? Yes, yes, I see it now. Navi, do you see the resemblance?” she says excitedly.

  “What are you talking about?” Luke asks. “Ian Wyatt was my grandfather. And he wasn’t a bloody elf, he was a…” He suddenly falls silent.

  “What?” I ask.

  “I was going to say he was a dwarf with pointy ears. He’s the one I can blame for these things on the side of my head.”

  “Yes, yes,” Tinsel is still saying excitedly. “He was one of the only elves to ever do it.”

  “Do what?” Luke asks.

  She blushes. “You know. It. It. With a human.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  “He’s famous for it here. Always boasting about how his genes got passed on to his grandson.”

  “That’s absolute nonsense. For a start, he died nine years ago.”

  “He isn’t dead,” Navi says. “Old Ian is up in the retirement home beyond the igloos. Elves can only survive for a limited amount of time in the human world. The Ian you knew simply ran out of time and had to come back to the North Pole to recover. Maybe if you work hard enough we can arrange that you be allowed to visit him. Normally humans wouldn’t be allowed that far into our land, but you have elf blood running through your veins.”

  “I knew you were in on it.” Joe jumps up and points at Luke.

  “I wasn’t in on it, Joe. I don’t know what’s going on any more than you do. And this? This is bullshit. My grandfather is not an elf living in some retirement home beyond the stars—”

  “Beyond the igloos, dear boy,” Navidad corrects him.

  “My grandfather was cremated. I was eight-years-old and I remember the funeral.”

  “He had simply run out of time down south, Luke.” Tinsel sounds kinder now. “He will be so thrilled… Wait…”

  “What?” Luke asks, frustrated.

  “I was going to say he’d be so thrilled to see you, but given the reason that you’re here, I don’t think he’ll be thrilled at all. Luke Wyatt, your grandfather will be devastated to know you’re here.”

  Luke growls and slams his hand down on the cushions. “Someone had better start telling me what that’s supposed to mean. You don’t get to say shit like that and then not explain yourselves.”

  “Calm down, please. All will be explained if you’ll just give us a chance. I am sorry because we got a bit off track there, but let’s start by introducing ourselves. Let’s all go around and tell everyone a bit about yourselves. Mistletoe, could you start, please?”

  I sigh. “Okay. Um. Hi. My name is Mistletoe. Yes, really. Yes, my parents are nutjobs. Please, please call me Misty, or Mis, or anything other than Mistletoe because I hate it. I was born on Christmas Eve and my parents are Christmas fanatics, hence the stupid name. My dad even works as a supermarket Santa.”

  “I was hoping you’d bring your dad up,” Navidad says. “I know him well. Lovely chap. You should be proud to have a father so willing to help us spread Christmas cheer.”

  “It’s not very cheerful for me,” I say. “Or my mum or my sister who are alone until midnight on Christmas Eve because he’s out being Santa for everyone else but his family. I never get to see my dad on my own birthday, because it’s the busiest day of Santa’s year.”

  “But think of the joy he’s bringing to the children who go to see him.”

  I shrug. I don’t particularly give a toss about the children who go to see him. “How do you know him anyway?”

  “Well, Mistletoe, you aren’t going to believe this, but about twenty-five years ago, he was sitting right where you are now.”

  “You’re kidding? My dad came here?”

  “Indeed he did,” Tinsel says. “Derek Bell. He was about your age too, actually. He’d been responsible for ruining someone’s Christmas and we brought him up here just like we have with you.”

  “That’s rubbish. My dad would never have ruined Christmas for anyone. My dad loves Christmas. He’s like the biggest Christmas freak you could ever meet.”

  “Maybe now, but he wasn’t always. He used to hate Christmas too, just like you.”

  “Wait,” Joe interrupts. “Are you saying that when we get out of here, we’re going to love Christmas so much we all become store Santas?”

  “No, of course not,” Tinsel says. “Not everyone embraces the time of year like Mistletoe’s father did, but we do hope to change your perspective on the holiday season.”

  “Well, good luck with that.” Joe crosses his arms with a huff.

  “What did my dad do to get himself brought here?”

  “That’s something you’ll have to ask him when you get home.”

  “Urgh. Why do you have to be so mysterious?”

  “This isn’t about your father, Mistletoe. It’s about you.”

  “Personally, I hate Christmas. I hate everything about this time of year. I have no idea why I’m here or even where we are, because I’m pretty sure that, contrary to popular belief, we are not in Santa’s Village at the North Pole. Er, I don’t know what else there is to say. I go to school, I hang out with my friends, and despite the evidence, I don’t take hallucinogenic drugs, but somehow I dreamt about a purple moose last night and then I woke up here.”

  “Join the bloody club,” Luke says. “Is it my turn?”

  Tinsel nods.

  “Okay. I’m Luke, I’m seventeen, I don’t know what this bullshit about my grandfather being an elf is, but it’s not true. I had absolutely nothing
to do with us being here, nor do I know what’s going on any more than you do. I’m a normal kid, the only thing that’s unusual is how pointy my ears are, and let’s just say I always keep my hair long and I own a lot of hats, which usually solves the problem. The only reason any of you have even seen my ears is because someone stripped me of my hat during the night.” He glares at the elves, who look innocently back at him. “I go to college, I come home, I play video games, and I agree with Mistletoe—I hate Christmas.”

  When Luke finishes, Navidad points at Joe to go next.

  He stands up. “My name is Joe and I’m an alcoholic.”

  Tinsel clicks her tongue in annoyance.

  “Oh, is that not why we’re here? I thought for sure this was some kind of alcohol-induced nightmare.”

  He waits for us to laugh and huffs when no one does. “You lot have no sense of humour. I’m Joe, I’m forty-four, I work as a delivery driver for a courier company, and I hate how much the workload goes up at this time of year. I’m single. I was married but the bitch divorced me, now I live in a poky flat in London and eat takeaways and get drunk every night because there’s no nagging woman to tell me what to do. It’s heaven.”

  It’s the turn of Duck Lady next. I suppose I should start calling her Emily now.

  “Hi,” she says quietly. “I’m Emily. I should apologise for earlier, I have some issues and I don’t always react well to unexpected change. Sorry about that. I have anatidaephobia, which is the fear that you are being watched by a duck at all times.”

  Joe bursts out laughing.

  “Some of you may laugh,” Emily continues, “but it is a genuine phobia, no different from being scared of spiders or heights. Stressful situations and unexpected change make things worse, and waking up here not knowing where I am definitely counts as both of those. Oh, and you won’t ever have to worry about zombies because I take a class once a week about what to do in the event of the zombie apocalypse.”

  Joe lets out another burst of laughter.

  “Zombies are a genuine threat, Joe, you shouldn’t laugh about them,” Tinsel scolds him.