North Pole Reform School Read online

  Personally, I’m caught between laughing and tearing my hair out. This is about as surreal as it gets. I’m in the North Pole, listening to an elf lecture an alcoholic about the threat of zombies, with a boy who thinks he’s dead and a woman who thinks ducks are watching her. Things just can’t get any weirder.

  It’s the boy’s turn next. “Hi, I’m Hugo but I don’t suppose it matters. Now that I’m dead I guess people won’t be calling me anything anymore.”

  “We’ve been over this. You’re not dead, Hugo.”

  “I don’t mind being dead actually. I’m hoping that I’ll get to see my mum and dad again. They died two years ago at Christmas and I really miss them. My gran is great but she’s kinda old and she doesn’t take me to football matches like my dad used to.”

  “How old are you?” Luke asks him.

  “Eleven. I’d have been twelve in February. Does anyone know how I died? Are you all dead too?”

  I catch Navidad rolling his eyes, and Tinsel stands up and claps her hands. “You are not dead. You are at the North Pole. None of you have died during the night. You are by far the most difficult group we’ve ever had.”

  “Does that mean you make a habit of kidnapping people and stealing their belongings?” Luke asks.

  “We haven’t stolen anything. Everything you own is right back at your homes where you left it.”

  “When I died?” Hugo asks. “Did I know I was going to die? Is that why I left everything behind?”

  “Okay, enough of this,” Tinsel says. “Listen to me. Elves cannot lie. Navi here is an elf. I am an elf. Most of the people you will meet in the next few weeks are elves. Elves cannot tell lies. Therefore, when I tell you that none of you are dead, I am not lying. Hugo, you’re not dead. You will be back home with your grandmother in no time at all.”

  “You know what I want?” Luke asks. “I want an explanation. You were pissed off at us earlier for holding you up, but all you’ve done since then is blather on about meaningless rubbish. No one cares if you can’t tell lies. I want to know what the hell I’m doing here and how the hell to get out of here. Would you please explain?”

  “Yes,” I agree. “What he said.”

  “Hear, hear,” says Joe.

  “See?” Tinsel whispers to Navi. “Most difficult group ever.”

  “Maybe you’re just the most difficult elves ever,” Luke says with a cheeky grin.

  I can’t help but smile at him.

  CHAPTER 5

  “There was indeed a point to me telling you that elves can’t tell lies. Everything I’m about to tell you is the absolute truth. Whether you believe it or not is up to you, but you can’t graduate from this class without belief,” Tinsel says. “You’re all here because you have one thing in common. Have any of you guessed what it is yet?”

  “How about you just spit it out and tell us?” Luke asks.

  “It’s all part of the learning curve, dear boy,” Navi tells him. “Just because your body has orifices doesn’t mean you should put things into them.”

  “You all share a strong dislike of our lovely festive season,” Tinsel says.

  “You’re telling us we’re here because we hate Christmas?” Luke says. “That’s ridiculous. People are perfectly entitled to hate Christmas; they don’t need to be punished for it.”

  “Yeah. No offence, but a bunch of elves kidnapping us and bringing us to the North Pole isn’t exactly a smart way to make us like it either,” I add.

  “Yes, you two are quite correct,” Tinsel says. “Technically you are all here because you hate Christmas, but there is more to it than that.”

  Luke rolls his eyes. “I think you two fell out of the Christmas tree and hit every branch of cryptic on the way down. Will you please just tell us, in human English, what the fuck we are doing here and how the fuck we get out? I have a lecture at two o’clock this afternoon that I really need to be at.”

  “Don’t worry, dear boy, I’m sure you’ll catch up on any schoolwork you miss easily enough.”

  “But why am I missing any in the first place?” Luke growls. “You can’t just go around kidnapping people because they don’t like something that you like.”

  “Yes, you are quite right on that,” Tinsel says. “You are allowed to hate Christmas. If you could all just dislike the holiday and keep it to yourselves then no harm would be done. We have to intervene when you start taking your dislike of Christmas out on other people. You are all here because you have ruined Christmas for somebody else.”

  “Bullshit,” Joe says. “I haven’t ruined Christmas for anyone. Sod off.”

  “That’s what the moose said in my dream. It told me it was the Ghost of Christmases Ruined. I thought it was a joke,” I tell them.

  “This is all because of that moose. Did the moose kill me?” Hugo asks.

  Tinsel looks exasperated. “No one killed you. No one is dead. The poor moose is just a messenger. The moose had his Christmas ruined and now he tries to help others who have had their Christmases ruined too.”

  “Is that why he’s purple?” Emily asks.

  “Can we please forget the moose?” Tinsel says. “The moose is not important. What you lot don’t seem to be grasping is that you’re here because you’ve deliberately ruined Christmas for someone else, and we can’t let it continue.”

  “Maybe we’re not grasping it because you’re not explaining it,” Luke says.

  “Enough!” Tinsel suddenly yells, stomping on the floor so hard that all the bells on her person jingle loudly. “Everybody be quiet. I know that Navi and I haven’t handled this morning very well. We’re really not used to dealing with groups determined to be as difficult as you are all being.”

  Joe goes to protest but she holds her candy-cane wand up and shushes him.

  “Now then, if everyone will stay quiet, Navi and I will explain everything in minute detail, and then there will be plenty of time for questions, protests, or tantrums later. Is that okay?” She waves the candy-cane wand in warning.

  There is a mumble of agreement from all five of us sitting on the sofas.

  “Every single one of you has been brought here because you have ruined Christmas for somebody else. This is not about hating Christmas—anyone can hate Christmas and not suffer any consequences for it. You are here because you have all taken deliberate actions to ruin Christmas for others. Part of an elf’s duty is to ensure that everyone has the happiest Christmas they can possibly have, and we can’t let certain individuals go around sabotaging that. Christmas is a wonderful, happy time, and it means a lot to many people. People put a lot of time and effort into Christmas, and you are here to learn that. You are here to learn how your thoughtless actions can affect others and ruin their Christmas, even if that wasn’t really your intention. Only once you have learned that will you be able to go home.”

  “Okay, okay.” Luke holds his hands up. “I’ve learned it. I realise it. I won’t do it again. Can I go now?”

  “Oh, if only it were that simple, dear boy,” Navi says.

  “Questions?” Tinsel asks.

  Everyone goes to speak at the same time.

  She holds up the wand. “One at a time, please.”

  Hugo goes first. “If your job is to ensure that everyone has the happiest Christmas they can have, where were you on Christmas Eve two years ago when my parents’ car hit black ice and skidded across the road, down a ravine, and into a river?”

  Tinsel’s face softens as she looks at him. “We’re just elves, Hugo. We can’t interfere with fate.”

  Hugo is trying to hide the fact that his eyes have filled up with tears. Emily puts an arm around him.

  “I don’t understand,” Joe says. “I haven’t done anything.”

  “Me neither,” I say.

  “Your first lesson is to acknowledge and admit your mistakes. We should have done it today but things have overrun now, we’ll have to have it in the morning instead.”

  “I know what I’ve done, but I was just ha
ving a laugh,” Luke says. “I haven’t caused any harm. I haven’t ruined anyone’s Christmas.”

  “Thoughtless actions, Luke,” Tinsel says. “To you it might be just having a laugh, but you haven’t thought about how it might affect others.”

  “None of that explains why you’ve kidnapped us in the middle of the night and dressed us up as bloody elves,” Joe says.

  “There’s no other way,” Navidad says. “We couldn’t just walk up to you on the street and ask if you’d mind popping up to the North Pole with us, could we?”

  “I don’t get why the moose was necessary?” Emily says. “Or why he was purple.”

  “The moose is just trying to help.”

  “Hold on a minute,” I say. “Are you all saying that you believe these two? That you actually believe we’re in the North Pole because we’ve done something to ruin Christmas? Which I haven’t, by the way.”

  “It does kind of make sense,” Luke says to me. “In a weird, round about, doesn’t make sense at all kind of way.”

  “How about the fact that the North Pole is uninhabitable? Or the fact that Santa doesn’t exist? Neither do elves or purple moose.”

  “I assure you Santa is real,” Tinsel says. “So are elves. And you are correct, Mistletoe, the North Pole is indeed uninhabitable. Santa’s Village is protected from the elements—that’s how we’re able to survive here.”

  “Protected from the elements how?”

  “We live under a dome. You could call it a giant snow globe, if you like. It creates its own weather system; therefore, we are not vulnerable to the usual elements that would affect someone coming to the North Pole.”

  “There are expeditions here all the time. If you live under a giant snow globe, how come no one has ever seen it?” I counter.

  “That’s thanks to a little bit of Christmas magic.” Tinsel taps her nose with the candy-cane wand again.

  Hugo raises his hand. “If we’re under a giant snow globe, how come it’s snowing outside?”

  “Snow. Globe. Duh.” Joe splutters out another laugh.

  “No, no, the snow is quite real. As I said, our protective dome has its own weather system inside.”

  “Why’s it so bloody cold then?” Joe asks.

  “The dome is not a miracle worker,” Navi says. “We’re still subject to the general weather. Sometimes in the middle of the summer we have a heat wave and it gets up to a whole five degrees.”

  “Wow, I don’t know how you cope.” Luke smirks.

  “We’ll show you around when we’re done here,” Tinsel says. “This will be your home for the next few weeks, so you’ll need to find your way around and meet everyone.”

  “The next few weeks?” I stare at them in horror. “But what about our lives? What about Christmas? Christmas is in, like, three weeks.”

  “Funny how you’re not bothered about Christmas when it doesn’t suit you, isn’t it, Mistletoe?”

  “That’s not fair. I mean, what about our families? People will notice we’re missing.”

  “Your loved ones have been informed of your whereabouts. You don’t need to worry about that.”

  “What do you mean?” Luke asks. “You’ve told them we’re in the North Pole?”

  “Yes, indeed. They will understand once they get our letters.”

  “That’s nonsense,” he says. “My father will never believe I’ve been kidnapped by Santa’s elves and taken to the North Pole. He’ll call the police. There will be search parties and everything.”

  “Again, you need to trust in a little bit of Christmas magic. That’s part of what you’re here to learn.”

  I know Luke rolls his eyes at exactly the same time as I roll mine.

  “Now then, we’re going to start with a guided tour,” Navidad says. “You’ll be staying here for a while—quite a while, judging by your progress so far. If you all go back to your rooms now, you’ll find some warm coats and boots. Put them on and come back out and we shall show you around your new residence. Every cloud has a marzipan lining, after all.”

  CHAPTER 6

  When I go back into my room, there’s a coat hanging up that wasn’t there before. It’s red with a green trim and fur around the hood. There’s also a pair of boots that are red with a white fur trim and jingle bells on the pointed toes, and a matching scarf-and-gloves set, embroidered with silver snowflakes.

  I realise there’s no point in arguing about it, so I put them on and go back out, glad to see everyone else got exactly the same thing.

  “Now, follow us,” Navidad says. “Stay together, and don’t go wandering off because it’s easy to get lost when you don’t know the area, and the snow doesn’t make visibility all that great. You mustn’t cut your nose off to call the kettle black.”

  The elves unlock the door and we dutifully follow them out.

  We go down a few flights of stairs—Luke was right about being on a top floor—and at the bottom is a desk and behind the desk sits an elf.

  “Evening, Elf Wenceslas.” Tinsel greets him.

  “Hello, all.” He smiles at us.

  “This is Elf Wenceslas, he is the building administrator. If anything goes wrong in the building, he’ll come and fix it for you.”

  “So you’re like an elf handyman.” Joe snorts.

  It’s clearly meant as an insult, but Wenceslas doesn’t seem at all perturbed.

  “Hey, maybe you can tell me. What’s white and round?”

  We all let out a collective groan.

  “A snowball,” Wenceslas says without missing a beat.

  “Hah. Wrong. The answer is a red cube.”

  “That’s just weird,” the elf says.

  “Elf Wenceslas is the front man of all comings and goings in this building,” Tinsel says. “If you want to go anywhere, you must get his permission. The doors won’t unlock without him.”

  “Great, so we’re trapped here,” Luke says.

  “Don’t think of it as trapped, dear boy,” Navi says. “Think of it as being pleasantly stuck.”

  “Let us out, would you, Wenceslas? We’re just doing the guided tour.”

  “Of course.” Wenceslas smiles.

  The doors click, and Navidad pushes them open.

  A huge gust of freezing cold air rushes in and I wrap my coat tighter around myself.

  I hear a quiet gasp from Hugo and Emily as they walk outside, and even I am stunned by the sight that greets us.

  If you’ve ever watched a Christmas movie, you’ve probably seen the picturesque North Pole with lots of elves, lots of snow, and lots of lights. This is it, but prettier. As I stand there and look around, it’s almost easy to forget I’m here against my will and that I don’t even like Christmas.

  It’s evening time and there’s snow on the ground, a couple of feet of it—clean, white, and crunchy. There are streetlights like on any other street in the country, but these seem to be brighter and the light they’re giving off is almost white. There are Christmas decorations strung up on every lamppost, and somewhere in the distance there is the faint sound of Christmas carols being played by jingling bells.

  There are elves too, small and dressed in red and green just like Tinsel and Navidad. Two of them wave as they walk past.

  “The latest reform group, is it?” they shout to our elves. “You’re late today. It’s almost dinner time!”

  “Yes, yes, we had some starting hitches,” Tinsel calls back to them. “Not to worry, all sorted out now.”

  “Do we get dinner?” Joe asks. “I’m starving.”

  “Yes, dinner will be served in the dining hall soon. We’ll go there right after the tour is complete.”

  “Can we go now? I’m hungry,” Hugo asks.

  “All in good time,” Navi says. “Follow us first, we’ll show you where you’ll be working and what you’ll be doing.”

  “Your schedules will be delivered shortly,” Tinsel says. “Tonight you can just relax and enjoy your first night.”

  “Schedules?�
�� Joe asks. “That doesn’t sound fun at all.”

  “It is fun,” Navidad assures him. “Christmas is fun, and one day very soon you’ll all learn to see it that way.”

  “So are we really in the North Pole?” Hugo asks.

  “I thought we’d established that,” Navi says.

  “Wait, if we’re really in the North Pole, are there…” Emily pauses. “Are there polar bears here?”

  Tinsel laughs. “It’s not the polar bears you have to watch out for around here, it’s the zombies. The weather outside Santa’s snow globe is uninhabitable to anything living. Hence, the zombies.”

  “Wait…,” Luke starts. “This is a joke, right? You are winding us up?”

  “Elves can’t tell lies,” Tinsel reminds him. “It’s quite true. There may be the odd polar bear or two outside, yes, but there are definitely zombies. They come up here to live because humans are so unaccepting of them in your world. Don’t worry though. They can’t come inside the snow globe, so as long as you’re in here, you’re safe.”

  “What about the polar bears?” Emily asks. “Can they come inside?”

  “Only if they’re very clever,” Navidad jokes.

  “Oh nooo,” Emily squeals. “I hate polar bears.”

  “Seriously? You’re worried about polar bears when they’re telling us there are zombies around?” Luke looks at her incredulously.

  “I’m not scared of zombies,” Emily tells him. “I know what to do about them. I told you, I’ve been taking a class. Polar bears are creepy though.”

  “Don’t the bears eat the zombies?” Hugo asks.

  “The zombies have learnt not to go near the polar bears. Even zombies can be smart when they watch others getting their heads bitten off.”

  “Eurgh,” Emily says.

  “Wait, is everyone just accepting this? We’re in a giant snow globe surrounded by zombies and nobody thinks this is even slightly unusual?” I ask.

  “I don’t know of any other explanation,” Hugo says.

  “But zombies don’t exist,” I say. “They’re just made up for horror movies.”

  “But elves and the North Pole don’t really exist either,” Emily says. “And yet we’re looking at them.”